Dying to be thin

"How do they stay so thin?" It's a question I've been asked a thousand times since moving here 9 years ago .. The truth, I believe, is that the French are generally lucky in the gene ( and jean) department with slender hips and frames, they smoke incessantly and really do keep an eye on everything that goes past their lips. They also indulge in slimming aids and tablets. Alot. They are obsessed with their weight and openly talk about what procedures they have had done, what diets they are on and what pills they are popping.

Isabelle Caro, a French actress and model whose skeletal photos shocked the world in 2007, tragically died in late 2010, another victim to the desire to be skin and bone. Caro obtained a certain amount of fame around this time as she spoke out about her struggle with her eating disorder and campaigned to increase awareness about anorexia.
However, her photos had the adverse affect and many pro-ana sites blossomed in line with her notoriety. Pro-ana websites are pro-anorexic dedicated sites and are quite frankly, scary places to visit where anorexics cheer each other on with every ounce lost. Caro has become something of a heroine here, a martyr to the ultimate goal of these , predominately, young girls.

The drug "mediator", given in France to obese people and to people with diabetes is now known to be responsible for at least 500 deaths. Prescribed to healthy women as well, who wanted to lose a few kilos, this drug, with lethal side effects, has been widely available in France for the last 30 years. The minister for health pressed panic buttons in late 2010 when he recommended that anyone who had taken the drug must immediately visit their doctor.
There are legal proceedings commencing against the pharmaceutical company and it looks like this scandal is only going to get bigger and nastier as time goes on.

En France, one can never be too rich or too thin? Not much good if you're 6 feet under though..

It's the end of the world as we know it ...

Ok, That was my anthem after my first child was born but there is quite a large group of esoterics who beleive that the world will end on 21 December 2012, ending a 5,125-year-long cycle in the ancient Maya calendar.
Many people beleive that a tiny village in Aude, the South of France, close to where I live, offers refuge from the 2012 apocalypse and are flocking to the village of less than 200 inhabitants. Apparently , many American travel agents are selling packages to Bugarach ( one way tickets, we would assume) and the locals are getting very jittery in anticipation of the influx of New Age Nutters.
According to the Sydney Morning Herald, some of the pilgrims believe that there are aliens existing in the core of the mountain near Bugarach and when the world implodes, the aliens will take their followers on the mountain with them to "safety"
The mayor has requested that the army be on standby to cope with the tide of UFOists who will certainly be flocking to the Pic de Bugarach for the 21 December, 2012.
I'm off there shortly to see if I can spot E.T. and friends and will report back. In the meantime, this whole idea ties in perfectly with my New Years Resolution which is to make 2011 a YES YEAR. Carpe Diem and all that .. especially with the aliens imminent attack!!!

Flirting in France

Is flirting,either face to face or using a social network like facebook or sending SMS's by your mobile, being unfaithful? Eva Longoria seems to think so and is divorcing her French husband of 7 years , basketball player Tony Parker, for flirting by SMS with a girl that he had never had any relations with.

In France , where flirting is a national past-time and it's considered rude not to flirt, this is sending shockwaves throughout the country. Flirting is as natural to French men and women as breathing and is, most of the time, tongue in cheek, harmless complimentary chit chat that adds a little skip to your step. Now, I don't know how saucy or x-rated Tony Parkers text messages were, causing Eva to pull the plug, but I'd wager there are quite a few french men deleting messages on their phones and facebook accounts as I type!

In the small village where I live, my baker calls me " la grande belle", my Catalan butcher ( female) calls me " la bella nena" my students in English class ( all over 70) have all proposed to me and flirt outrageously with me non stop.
Nearly every transaction involves a bit of flirtatious french flattery and indeed flirting properly is a skill in France which should be perfected if you expect to get good service / the best table in a restaurant or a discount on a purchase. Flirting in France does not mean you want to jump into her/his knickers, flirting is just fun, lightening up your day.
My fair blue eyed sister is a master of flirting ( she takes after our Mother!) and I can only stand back in admiration as she has the French male eating out of her proferred hand!
Recently, we were organising a tour for a group of 20 people. On telephoning the bus company ,we were told that the bus we had booked weeks in advance was unavailable. Full stop. No amount of wheedling would sway them. "That's it", my sister Suz announced, "this calls for action." She changed from jeans and tee shirt into a smart skirt, killer heels and sprayed herself with some coco chanel. Half an hour later, she returned from the bus depot, triumphant : José, our bus man, not only had found a bus, but, had given it to Suz for half price AND he wanted to come on the tour!!! He regularly emails her now with flirtatious emails.
A bit of harmless and healthy fun? Perhaps. But Eva aint buying it!

One Man's Junk ...

.. Is another man's treasure

The vide grenier ( empty your attic ) epitomises this old saying here in France where every town holds his own 'car boot sale' at least once or twice a year. This weekend, one of the local vide greniers was on in Port Vendres, where my sister lives , so we headed off bright and early on Sunday morning to snag a few bargains.

The whole quay in Port Vendres was jammed with stalls selling everything from antiques, to clothes, old teddy bears, games, jewellery and everything else under the sun as people jostled for bargains and children ran around giddy, testing out prams, bikes and used toys.
The atmosphere was fabulous, a real family day out, with stallholders sharing their impromptu pique-niques (avec du vin of course), punters negotiating good naturedly and everyone enjoying picking up a good bargain. All this against the back drop of the yachts bobbing in the quay, the piercing blue sky and the quaint shop fronts of Port Vendres.
I managed to snaffle a pair of brand new ski boots for my daughter for 50cents, a funky unused retro handbag for a euro and some English books going for a song.
Now, that's what I call retail therapy!!!

Check out http://www.vide-greniers.org/ for a full list of vide greniers

Merde alors!

Cursing in France is quite accepted in all levels of society. I'm no prude , yet it always makes me squirm when I am doing some business at the bank/insurance company/supermarket/pharmacy/school and the person dealing with me cries out "Merde" or "Putain de merde", usually over something very trivial.
Parents are very lax about their children cursing and it appears to be fine to punctuate every sentence with a french obscenity.
In Ireland, it is not kosher to curse when you are in an environment with kids or older people or in a professional situation and certainly, the teacher in school does not let out a stream of offensives in front of her 4 year olds!!
My 3 year olds first curse word was in French .. when trying to take off her safety belt , she exclaimed 'putain de merde" ( direct translation - shitty whore!). In one way, I was delighted that she hadn't picked up any curse words from me, in English, but on the other, where had she learnt that disgusting phrase?
There is a popular radio station here in France that is called FG Music and every 5 minutes or so , they announce that they are playing F%CKING GOOD music after the F%CKING GOOD news and the F%CKING GOOD weather forecast.
WTF???
Good to know in France ( in case anyone ever calls you same!!)
Swear words:
Putain : Whore ( can be shortened to pute)
Putain de merde : Bad Whore
Merde : Shit
Con :  C U oN Tuesday ( short for conasse) - Sarko famously was caught saying "casse toi, pauve con!" whilst being jostled around by the public in the lead up to the last gen election
Va te faire foutre : Go F%ck yourself ( often heard in service industries!!!)
Salope : slut
pétasse : bimbo
Foutre : to f%ck , 'Je m'en fou', I don't give a f..

... The things you don't learn at the Alliance Francaise!!

Vin Primeur

Vive Le Vin!
Tonight a full moon coincides with the fete du vin primeur, probably one of the biggest nights in Perpignan and surrounding towns, as traditionally , the people celebrate the end of the wine harvest. For wine snobs, this event is usually poo pooed as the wine ( too young, too unripe, too un-interesting dahling) has not yet matured, but you can't beat the festival for atmosphere and the "feel good" factor.

Tonight, my two smallies ( aged 5 and 3), Other Half and moi headed down to the village centre, lured by the sounds of a brass band, clinking glasses and the tinkle of laughter.
The village town square was lit up with fairy lights and a large crowd had gathered to sample the first wines of 2010. For the princely sum of 3euros , we were given a wine tasting glass which you could hang around your neck ( a brilliant idea for night clubs!) while we could sample other local produce , including freshly shucked oysters, organic cheeses, a selection of delicious charcuterie, breads, patés, roasted chestnuts ; serious nom nom nom time.

The children ducked, dived and danced in and around the legs of the chatting adults while the brass band belted out old favourites. The mayor even joined us for some sardane dancing.

France ain't perfect, but then , where is? But she does get some things so so right sometimes .. Vive le Vin!

Letter to Sarko

                                                                                                             
Dear Mr President

Just a little note from me, one of your admirers, to say kikou Nico!! Oh how we danced and cheered when you were voted as President of the Republic on the 6th May 2007.
Your presidential manifesto promised great plans to rejuvenate the economy and to encourage entrepeneurs. In all fairness, chapeaux Mr President , you are doing an okay job, introducing the auto entrepeneur scheme and other reforms and I hope the strikers don't put you off course.
However, as a Gérante ( MD) of a SARL (Limited Company), I'd like to show you an example of the level of bureaucracy we have to suffer. It is time consuming, expensive and a complete waste of government resources.
Today, I presented myself at the Greffe (Company Register) as I needed to change the address of my SARL
In order to do this I need to provide:

Extract of my K-Bis
Proof of identity
2 Proces Verbal of the AGM
3 copies of our statutes
1 example of the journal of legal announces showing the change of address
2 copies of proof of residence
1 pint of blood and two wisdom teeth
(Okay, I'm joking about the blood and teeth!)

I must then make an appointment with the Greffe in Perpignan to meet someone who will inspect my dossier and ensure all is in order ( If they are not on strike) TO.CHANGE.MY.ADDRESS.
The cost : 200,14euros

I'd like to add that the very nice people in Greffe in Perpignan, have also lost all the annual returns for my two companies and even though they have admitted responsibility for this, I still have to incurr the time, money and effort to redo all the returns again.

Mr Le President, vous trouvez ca normale?

Yours Sincerely etc etc

10 things the french do best

The markets
Every little town and village has one and they truly are a pleasure as the whole town convenes on market day. Fresh bread, cheeses, locally grown veggies, wine and all kinds of market produce marry for a real feel good shopping experience .. and excellent value too..

Dog poo
After living here for over 8 years, I have an inbuilt antenna for the stuff and rarely put my foot in it .. tourists beware; it lies here , it lies there, it lies everywhere

Red Tape
Very easy to get tangled up in!

Looking after themselves
Voted by the World Health Association as having the best health care in the world, if you're going to get sick, get sick in France.

Le vin
Well, she has been making the stuff since the 6th century BC .. After two years of conducting wine tours in the Roussillon area, I can vouch for the quality.

Le café culture
Sitting in cafés, looking très chic, smoking and drinking café, watching the world go by, without changing facial expression no matter what happens (god forbid one might get a wrinkle)

Striking
The country is brought to near standstill as the government attempts to bring in a few coffers by extending the ridiculously low pension age from 60years to 62years. Socialist parties call on the children to strike at school.

Looking good
Staying thin and wearing appropriate clothing for event or activity, ie a french woman would never ever step outside the house wearing a track suit and sneakers unless going specifically to the gym

The Baguette
No where in the world does bread taste this good

Extra Marital Affairs
Apparently they're all at it and after being propositioned by my hairdresser to partake in some swinging activity, I'm starting to beleive it. My neighbours are installing a hot tub too .. yikes!!!!

A laughing stock

France has become the laughing stock of Europe and the world with this new onslaught of general strikes. The majority of people striking are fonctionnaires ( civil servants ) , many of whom, eg teachers, have long holidays and all of whom enjoy a mere 35 hour working week, already.
Now they are striking because the governement is bringing in new legislation to push back the retirement age from 60 to 62years.
To witness lycéens ( kids in high school ) thinking they are oh so cool, striking outside their schools, burning pallets, smoking giving the v sign , shouting and screaming for their rights , when they are not going to retire until for another four decades, is, quite simply, stomach turning.
What kind of an attitude is this to have when the country's, indeed the world's economy is on it's knees. Ok, I can understand to a point a 58year old being angry and taking to the streets with his imminent retirement being delayed by a couple of years, but not 13 year olds burning flags and violence spilling out on the french streets. It's legitimized vandalism and a downright disgrace that a country should be brought to a standstill by these vagabonds.
The latest news is that the unions are calling for a rolling strike , ie the workers will vote every day whether or not to continue the strike on a day to day basis, in an effort to reverse the governments plans.
GET.REAL.FRANCE

In France the customer is always ...

Case 1
After several years of being charged 28cents to send a text from France to Ireland, I was thrilled when new legislation was voted for in April 2009, slashing the prices of texts Europe wide to 13cents. Hurray, I thought, that's my phone bill halved straight away.
My service provider thought differently and despite many visits to the shop and calls to the service centre, I was always treated like an annoying little fool who hadn't a clue what she was talking about.
Frustrated, I changed to another telephone server, let's call them Orangina - they assured me that texts, in line with European law, would be 13cents to anywhere in Europe. Cool!
My first bill arrived and, eye boggling moment, would you beleive it, they were also charging me 28cents a text. I marched to the store with my bill in hand demanding to speak to the salesperson, who of course, was not there.
"Why are my texts not being charged at 13cents to Europe?" I asked politely
" It is nothing to do with us, you must ring head office"
"No, I bought the phone here, YOU sold me the deal, I want an answer from you"
Sigh. Eye roll. Rapid fire discussion with colleague. Sigh. Gallic Shrug. Squints at bill as if it smells...
"Ahhh, but these texts are not to Europe, madame!"
"Mais , oui, they are to Europe, they are to Ireland"
Mocking laugh. Eye roll. Condescending look.
Explanation arriving in simple dumbed down tones ..
"BUT. IRELAND. IS. NOT. IN. EUROPE. MADAME" says my lady as she folds up my bill and turns to another customer
"Cough , splutter, of course Ireland is in Europe, you anorexic tanned bitch"
"Non madame, Ireland is not in Europe"
The conversation continued in this vane for a while. I refused to leave the shop. She eventually agreed to look up wikipedia to see if Ireland was actually in Europe or not but she really really wasn't  convinced.
I'm still waiting for my refund! And I'm still being charged 28 cents a text ..